Blessings

"My cup overflows with blessings"

This was the view out of my office window and it seemed to be the perfect day to sit in and catch up on my computer.  I had realized that in this typing I hadn't really done any updating.  A snow day about two weeks ago, Critt and I made a visit to our adoption agency.  We have a new counselor so we dropped by to visit since she would be the person working with us, the adoptive parents.  She was a very nice lady and just getting her feet wet with everything at the agency.  There is really no exciting news at the moment.  She said they are at an unusually slow pace right now.  There are just a few mothers seeking assistance right now.  At this point it is not certain if they will decide to give up there children for adoption at this point.  Of course, I am running numbers in my head as she talks.  Ok...a woman is pregnant nine months...so if she isn't even here yet that means I have to wait this long....uh...here comes that frustrated feeling again.  And then I say again patience is a virtue..you never now...a miracle could happen and it could happen next week...this journey is about faith...let go..keep your faith.  So there it is not much going on but that is okay.  When we first started this process and full of excitement we got a few things from people and I bought a few things just in case we got called and put them up in the extra bedroom.  We were advised to avoid spending our time in the baby department shopping.  Just in case it took a while you didn't want an empty room full of things for a baby that has an unexpected arrival date.  I never really had any issues with this and didn't see where hanging out at Babies R Us would send me into hysteria but I have obeyed.  Heck...I thought retail therapy was always supposed to make you feel good.  Last night I went up to put some things in our extra bedroom.  The closet is pretty much empty except for a few little sleepers that have been gifted to us.  As I stared at the empty closet and the soft little sleepers, I closed the door.  I felt a little pull at my heart....I understand now...

These are the moments you pull forward and you must count you blessings and not focus on the things you are without. I have to look at it like this program we are in only takes 12 couples.  At least we are in and not on the waiting list as others could be.  We at least are in the running and not just waiting to be in the running.  So this is a blessing in itself.  My life is so full and I have to remember that.  My mom had given me this little book and I read this passage and it made so much sense.

This was a fable about a boy who lived with his father at the valley of a large dam.  Everyday the father would go to work on the mountain behind their house and return home with a wheelbarrow full of dirt.  Everyday he also sent his son to pack bags of dirt and stack them in front of the house.  And though the boy did as he was told, he also complained.  Why didn't his father give him what other fathers gave their sons?  They had toys and games; he had dirt.  When he saw what the others had, he grew mad at them and declared its unfairness.  His father would smile and put his hand on his shoulders and say. "Trust me son. I'm doing what is best."  And so the boy filled the bags and piled them high.  One day the sky darkened and the rains came.  The water of the damn began to flood the village and the dike in the dirt gave the father and son the time they needed to escape.   Only then did the son realize what the father had done.  He had burrowed an exit.  Rather than give him what he wanted, the father gave him what he needed.  He gave him a safe passage and a safe place.  So this raises the question.  Rather than want what others have, shouldn't we wonder if they have what we do?  One thing is certain.  When the storm finally passes and you are safe in your fathers house, you won't regret what he didn't give you.  You'll be stunned at what he did.

And all of that is so true.  As I looked out on that snow from my office window I was thankful for all these things.

• I have a big warm house to curl up in tonight.  I am not in the cold without a warm place to sleep.
• I spent Tuesday morning around the kitchen table with my grandmother. She gave me advice on strength and why some people carry extra burdens when others do not.  I have a set of grandparents who are still alive and married after 60+ years.  I am blessed for this itself.
• Two cousins who are like sisters to me.  Their phone conversations, our stories, and the laughs we have.  I did not get sisters but I got even better.  These I don't have to share Christmas presents from my parents with!
• My friends...many that have been there for years.  Several I get to see and spend time with this weekend.  Thankful we have calmed a bit as the years have passed:)
• My parents.  My mom is in my kitchen right now cooking the best chili ever plus she cleaned my kitchen.  This counts as two blessings.
• My husband..who works hard so I can go back to school....who while heading out of town...stopped by just to kiss me goodbye...I love you.....I am so blessed.
  

Good things come to those who wait

So after dinner with my family Saturday night my dad convinced me and Critt to go to the boat with him.  He was meeting some co-workers for a birthday.  This is not a place Critt and I frequent but what the heck...living on the edge.  I agreed to drive and stay an hour.  Well the hour quickly passed and I thought I would try the ole only child beg and ask for some gambling change from my daddy.  I succeeded with a $100...cha ching.  I should try this more.  Anywho..I made a pit stop by the ladies room before boarding and found on the floor an id and credit card.  I promptly turned it in to security. So I felt on top of my game before entering because of my good deed.  Critt and I navigated the 3 smoky floors and found a corner where we thought we could breathe and actually get oxygen.  To our luck when we sat down my slot machine had 8 credits.  And I won $180 on my last credit.  So we walked out with $180 and didn't spend a dime and did it all in under 20 minutes.  Can't say that often.  I was also able to be a good daughter and give my pops his money back too:)  So the moral to my story I got this weekend is doing the right thing and being in the right place at the right time makes all the difference in life.  When you are adopting this is part of the battle.  Having patience while waiting for the right time....but good things come to those who wait!

I also wanted to share this poem I got from one of Critt's co-workers (Suzanne).  She sent me alot of thoughtful things when we started this journey.  I have passed it on several times and look at it often when I get aggravated or discouraged.  I thought it is great to share so others who may need a little lift on their journey to parenthood.

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

A little start

Gosh.  Critt & I had discussed this early on and we weren't really up for the whole blog thing.  In all actuality it has been a number of blogs that have been my source of laughter, inspiration, and support during this journey.

This isn't going to be a blog discussing our personal life.  I think we both...I know..that we both love each other.  We have actually cracked this joke several times as we see people post their admiration for their significant other on their facebook pages.  My opinion is we have been through a journey in our marriage already...one thankfully a lot of couples don't have to...infertility.  Statistics do show (sorry this shows the college student in me and too many research papers) that because of this we have lowered our divorce percentage from 50% to 10%.  So that pretty much means I will put up with with Critt..for like...FOREVER.  So some of this journey will be just for us to absorb and not the entire world wide web.  I want this more to be a blog were we can relay messages to family and friends, get information from others, and possibly shed light & hope to others in a similar situation.  A friend told me not long ago said I should write...so here it goes. (That is a shout out to you Blake) So stay tuned!

Our Story

Critt and I met at the end of college.  Two dear friends set us up at the right time, although some would argue it was the arm wrestling match I won in baker boys with a new hairdo that made him fall head over heels in love with me.  We married in 2005 and began our life together.  We both knew we wanted kids but agreed we wanted to settle into our careers and have some financial responsibility first.  As time progressed it turned to a more okay let’s just see if it happens…to maybe it isn’t the right time…we are still young...right?  Oh now we are going to pack up and sell our house and move to a new city with new jobs…it is isn’t happening because the good lord is just looking out for us and ...right?  Ok...we are settled in now…why isn’t this happening?  Then I think we began to fall off our pedestal and maybe realize something could be wrong.

Any couple who have battled infertility knows this is where the fun in trying starts to become not so fun.  We both visited our primary doctors and were referred on to a fertility specialist.  After having our blood drawn, being poked, prodded, scoped, and interviewed it was decided we would start fertility treatments.  At this point in the game I was already emotionally exhausted and I know Critt was reaching his.  I had planned perfectly for the pitter patter of little feet in our home.  We had been so responsible.  I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.  This is so unfair.  Then it seemed unfair went to not getting doctors calls back, lost lab work, denied insurance.  We were emotionally spent.  In this time we got calls, cards, prayers, and emails from many and some I didn’t even know.  Blessings sent to get us through the journey.  Each day I didn’t seem to think I could cry another tear someone sent an act of kindness.

The change in direction took an unlikely form: a blog.  I had come across the blog of a young girl from Tennessee who had traveled to Africa on a mission trip and ended up giving up college to return.  She has given up her life and taken in 14 kids and she is in her early 20’s.  I thought about all the fun I was having in college at this time.  I couldn’t imagine undertaking what she had at that point in my life.  The wheels began to turn as I heard the stories of the orphans…children without homes…their hope…the change that occurred in them by just being loved.  I read her blog from start to finish and cried and cried.  They weighed on my heart too.

Since graduating from college I had worked in commercial insurance.  The last couple of years I just began to feel it less and less.  It was the wonderful co-workers I had that had kept me there.  What would make me happy professionally?  On a ride to a wedding Critt had discussed with me being a teacher.  I looked into it and started a class to see how I liked it.  Flash forward Winter 2010.  I am taking classes and trying to have a family.  Everything seemed off course.  I craved normalcy again.  I got off the phone with the doctor one cold evening, cried the rest of the home, and called my mom as I do most nights.  I cried and told her how spent I was and she told me I had to find a way to find peace in my life again.  And out came the words, “I want to adopt.”  That girl and children in Africa had not left my mind.  I could spend thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to have a child of my own and not guarantee that money could give me one physically. I could take that money and I would be a mother to a child that would have a much worse circumstance without us.  I told Critt that night and he agreed.  My doctor reassured me that he had faith we could have children and I was not racing my biological clock.  It we stopped the process and started adoption he didn’t feel we were making a mistake.  So from there our adoption story begins. 

Currently, our paperwork is submitted with an agency and we wait.  I have quit my job of 7 ½ years, returned to school full time, and work part time.  I am not planning but living for what each day holds.  The pressure is off and Critt and I are trying to enjoy every moment we have together before little children invade our house.  After much thought and prayer we decided to adopt domestically.  From the research we did this seemed the right fit for us at this moment.  Yet, you never know how your journey will end.    We have just enough light for the step we are on……