I hear the weathers nice in California......................

I feel like this week I am finally coming out of the haze.  Last week was simply a blur.  I didn’t get much done and did mainly as I pleased.  I can honestly describe my feelings last week as a mix between a broken heart and a death in the family.  There were points that I think I could have cried a river.  This week I feel like a human being again.  That is a refreshing feeling and once again I feel hope. I know we made the right decision and sometimes at the end of the day that is what you have to have confidence in.

I can tell you that I simply would not have made it thru many of the points of this journey without my family. Many of our friends have started families and there just simply isn’t the time that there used to be for their company.  I know that many are there and will be there and I sincerely appreciate the gestures we received this past week.  There have been two people in this journey that I simply do not know how I would have made it without them….my cousins. I have referred to them a few times in this blog as my faux sisters. 

My little cousin, Jessica, told me she thinks this was a step in our path because God was getting us ready.  She made a valid point.  I have gone thru the motions in this process but I haven’t really mentally prepared for getting that phone call and what happens next.  When I did get that phone call…I was a mess.  We also now have an idea of how this process works when we get picked.  So now we know the questions to ask, the process, and just how to absorb it all.  

Today was a date I had marked on the calendar for the last few weeks.  It wasn’t a date I was looking forward too because it was a day I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to one of my nearest and dearest.   I grew up with a very close knit family and we all lived relatively close to each other.  We also spent way too much time together too!  The day after Critt and I married, six years ago, my aunt and two cousins moved to Los Angeles.  After three years, Audra got transferred with her job to Nashville.  A few weeks ago she found out she would be going back home to LA.

Last week when I was so upset, Audra drove in and spent a few days at our grandmothers.  We spent Thursday afternoon doing what I needed most….laughing.  It was those moments of shopping, eating, a few drinks, telling stories and catching up that made me feel normal again.  Audra is simply one of the kindest souls there is and she loves with her whole heart.  She gives of her entire self and simply is one of the best listeners I know.

Yesterday, my grandmother cooked a huge carb ridden meal since we were all together.  So I had the whole day to spend with my three cousins and it was simply wonderful.   We didn’t do much of anything but it was just the rare opportunity of all being in the same time zone again!

This morning there was more tears as we said our farewells.  Audra and her brother Pierce began their cross country trip back to LA.  Today wasn’t really tears of sadness.  They were more of love and wishing her luck on following her own dreams.  Part of me selfishly wanted her to stay and be here when baby Hudson does arrive.  She assures me though that she is just a plane ride away.  Tonight they are somewhere in Kansas on their road trip.  I know she will be reading this.  I want you guys to know how much I will miss you both. I am blessed not only have you as a cousin but as one of my best friends.  Thank you for always being there.  Safe travels and I wish you all the happiness there is!  See you soon!

Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I'll miss you
until we meet again!
~Author Unknown

On a completely different note,  we are headed to New York City at the end of the week.  Can't wait!!!!  I am so excited for a much needed trip and a new adventure ourselves.

J

Roller Coaster

One word I had heard to describe adoption is a roller coaster.  I couldn’t relate much to that as I felt it was more about patience…and that I at times didn’t have a great deal of it.  Now I realize we had just been on the anticipatory climb.  Monday we reached the top and yesterday we took the drop.

Monday we did get called stating we had been selected by a mother.  I was left speechless after that call and choked backed tears.  You never know when it can come and you try to reserve yourself until you know the details. This was a long day without any questions.  I think we both went between excitement and nervousness.  We got the information on the mother on Tuesday morning.  We reviewed the information and unfortunately had some questions and concerns.  This was so much harder than I could have ever imagined.  We had basically 24 hours to make a decision.

I cannot go into any great detail on any case.   This is for respect of all parties involved.  At some point there will be a lady that gives up her baby for us and it will be my child’s story to tell and not mine.  I have to respect confidentiality.  What I can say at this time is… we declined the placement.  There were just some things we were not comfortable with.  It was truly heartbreaking.  I think it is safe to say that Critt and I were both upset but had to find laughter in our situation.  There will be another chance and we have to go with what feels right for our family.

I thought it was just best to post to my blog as I don’t want to answer a bunch of emails.  I have talked to my family but really don’t want to discuss much going on into today.  One door opens and another one closes. I am ready to close this one and move on down the hall to hopefully the right one.  Pray for us….that we find the strength and courage to stay on this roller coaster ride.  We can’t jump off because one o f the drops scarred us.

“Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go,” –T.S Eillot

Love,

J

Sacrifice

I know in our situation, my whole family has been affected by our adoption story.  I can imagine how hard it is to watch your children hurt and know there is nothing you can do about it.  I know as with many things, life experiences make you stronger and you learn and grow from them.  In my English class I took this semester, I wrote a story about my father and a story I learned about him in the last year.   I think it is kind of funny that I almost could not imagine that my parents had a whole other life before I was born.   I didn’t realize that my father had lived through his own tragic story.  Maybe that is why when he has told me it was going to be okay and this process work out I believed him.  There was a form of sincerity in his voice that was reassuring.  Since this is armed forces week, I thought I would give a small tribute to my Veteran…..my dad.

I was sitting around with my parents a little over a year ago when my father asked me to Google a friend of his from Vietnam named Joe.  We spent about an hour looking over the internet and not getting any hits with the name my dad provided.  My father decided we would pick back up sometime at a later date after he looked around to see if he could verify the spelling of his war buddies last name.  Ironically, we never did have to look up that name because my dad received a phone call instead….on his answering machine from Joe.  Two people who served in a war over forty years ago, across the globe, in a jungle far from home, just happened to decide to try and find each other at the same time.  And some people don’t believe in fate??

My dad’s old battalion had been looking for him for years.  Joe had come across a box with some of his stuff from Vietnam when searching for pictures for a reunion.  Inside the box was a cut off piece of cardboard with a name, address, and phone number scratched in black marker.  The information was my dad’s and he had handed it to his friend Joe as he boarded a train back to Kentucky and out of the service.  Joe decided that before he started a search for my dad based the information on the clipping; he would just call the phone number.  Maybe it was a small enough town that the person would be able to direct them on how to find my father.  The ironic part was the phone rang right into my father’s house and the voice on the answering machine was for the man he was looking for.  My dad had the same phone number as he did when he boarded that train in 1970. When you are from a small town…things don’t always change much!

My dad has spent the past year finally opening up about his tour of duty in Vietnam.  He was reunited with many of the men of his battalion last year and this year will travel again to a reunion. These men had lived together, ate together, fought together, and watched others die together.  They had run scared through a maze of jungles in the dead of night in balmy, muggy conditions.  Bombs dropped around them and an enemy had a constant target on their back.  There was an unbreakable bond forged between them.

In the Spring, my dad received a letter from one of his commanders while he served. I slid the letter out of the manila envelope and my eyes traced to the top of the page and I began to read.  I sat alone in the living room and read through the two page letter.  When finished, I let the paper drop on my lap, tears streaming down my face.  My dad walked into the jungles of Vietnam one humid day in May 1969 with 105 men present for duty and left the field 33 days later with the strength of 39 men.  The rest were casualties.  I can only imagine the horrors he must have witnessed but greater yet the miracle he even survived.

            My father has begun slowly to talk about his experiences he occurred.  He can’t tell them all because many he doesn’t remember.  This is a way for the brain to protect itself from drama.  We know now that there are times that when a car backfires he is reminded of the bombs dropping around him and no place of safety to run to.  When he works on our family farm in the livestock he can regress.  The smell of blood or feces reminds him of the smells he had in the field.  The air was thick and humid, as soldiers died around him; he was forced to lay with them in ditches until relief came.  The smell of death was one he would never forget. 

It is amazing to me how you can spend the majority of your life with someone and not realize the shear trauma that someone can live through.  I had pulled out a picture of my dad as a young soldier when writing the piece for my class.  My dad shared with me that the guy in the background was a bunkmate of his.  He never made it back to his family.  He was one of the fatally wounded soldiers that didn’t walk out of the jungle. My dad was awarded the Purple Heart for his service in Vietnam and his bravery in the face of war.  His story is finally being told, yet there are so many still searching for the courage to tell theirs. 

            Last week when I was at home visiting my parents, my dad received another letter from his commander.  My father placed his hands on my shoulders, laid his head in my back, and cried.  As a child, your parents have seen us cry countless times.  Yet, to see your own parents cry it completely different.  My dad dried his eyes and stated, “I was just doing my job….I was a soldier.”  In this whole adoption process, there have been many a day I felt sorry for myself and what we have sacrificed.  Yet, this was another moment to count my blessings.  There are people that sacrifice for us every day.  Soldiers that leave their families to keep us protected. 

Life is many times about making sacrifices to all of us.  Just remember, especially this week, that there are many that make sacrifices we may not be aware of.  To all the Veterans I know….THANK YOU!    

Free at Last!!!!

I have been holding off on saying those final words as little things have been coming up to finish school.  I can say officially that I am on summer break.  I made it.  I also learned that saying about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is not something I believe too much in. As I don't feel strong but run down.  That is all looking on the up and up.  I actually got to have a whole weekend to not do school work.  The great news was the rain stopped!!! We were lucky and in the clear until a little hailstorm. Fortunately, we didn't have any damage we could see.  It almost looked like snow.

Hailstorm

 Then we moved on to Prom.  Critt's nephews went to prom in Critt's first car.  Hard to believe these two are old enough.  Critt's cousin Ashtin also went so we had to two days of Prom around here.

 

 

Getting their list of rules from Uncle Critt

Cute Prom Couple #2

Mothers Day

Yes, he finally got my mom on the back of the motorcycle and she wanted to ride fast...which I did not allow.

The final part of the weekend was Mother's Day.  It was one I felt apprehensive about.  I remember when I spent a Valentines Day without a boyfriend and everyone around you is in Valentine Day overdrive.  It takes that pain and makes it worse.  I was determined to not let this Hallmark holiday serve as a constant reminder of what I did not have.  I kept myself off facebook and away from things that would signal mothers day overload. When I saw a friend I didn't even want to talk about our adoption.  That will probably be the only time I just didn't feel like discussing. I came out okay.  I needed to honor the wonderful mothers and grandmothers we have.  They deserve it.  I hope by the grace of god he answers our prayers and there is a little one in this house by next mothers day. Overall, it was a great day.  I am blessed to have my mother and my grandmother to share it with. 

Finally, I have been obsessed with watching  a tv show throughout my school year, The Amazing Race.  Mallory sang at Critt and I's wedding.  So I have been rooting for team yellow and they finished the race in third place. Way to go Union County!

Now is it is returning my life to some short of normalcy.  I started college 2 years ago and this is my first long break.  Can't wait!  I actually told Critt tonight that I hope we have a slow, calm summer and he wished the same.  After waiting and wishing your life away it is a welcome in the journey to want to make a stop and smell the roses.

J